Saturday, October 6, 2012

Savatage The Wake of Magellan Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.

Savatage The Wake of Magellan

I've always considered Savatage to be a loser band.  After all, my brother saw them at the Airport City Music Hall in Allentown, PA during the Gutter Ballet Tour and stole a bunch of tapes from the guys' tour bus when he was invited to hang out with them.

That said, this CD blew me away.

Zachary Stevens handles the vocals, singing writer Paul O'Neil's lyrics with aplomb.  The end result is a hard rock opera that is incredibly well done.  Imagine Billy Joel, who is a successful songwriter becase he writes catch songs, doing a hard rock concept album.  Sound strange?  It is, but it works.  One can't aruge that Savatage's heart isn't in this.

I don't want to go into the story on the CD, but I do want to mention that this has changed my view on Savatage.  Stevens, back by a band that acts almost like an orchestra, brings a voice to this story that will chill you to the bone.

True music fans of whatever genre will agree that this is one hell of a release.  People who look to music for little more than entertainment may find this hard to swallow.  Their loss.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Red Aunts Ghetto Blaster Review

Originally published in issue #13 of Married Punks.  Published in 1998.

Red Aunts Ghetto Blaster

Red Aunts are everything the Spice Girls are not (no matter how much Larry Livermore likes that band).  They are talented, clit fortified, raw and angry.  Red Aunts is real girl power.

Ghetto Blaster is twelve songs fueled by emotion of the worst kind.  "Poison Steak," the second song on the CD, exemplifies all that is good in this band.  Oddly enough, though, Red Aunts doesn't seem to have gotten the respect the band deserves.  I'm here to garner it upon it.  All hail Red Aunts -- pure guitar punk queens.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Reagan Youth Live & Rare Review

Originally appeared in Married Punks 13, which was published in 1998. Reagan Youth Live & Rare Reagan Youth, in its day, was anti-Nazi and pro-anarchy (the two should always go hand in hand), and that's why it's great that New Red Archives, one of the best punk labels around, has released this. Face it, a lot of today's "popular" punk is sorely lacking in the political department. Live & Rare is exactly what it claims to be. It's live cuts from CBGB's and demo versions of songs. The straightforward punk of "It's a Beautiful Day," "New Aryans," "USA," "Are You Happy?" and "In Dog We Trust" are the epitome of good punk music. Sadly, the singer, Dave Insurgent, never got the recognition he and the band deserved. Dave killed himself after his mother's death, his girlfriend's murder at the hands of serial killer Joel Rifkin, and years of drug abuse. This is a fitting way to remember him.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

The Pressure Review

Originally published in issue 13 of Married Punks in 1998 The Pressure Is there a bit of Man or Astroman? influence here? Who cares? This spacey, experimental stuff is go in my book. The vocals, what little there is, are similar to the style Doug Evil used in Orgy of One, for all you old-timer completists. On the downside, there's only three songs. I want more! Oh well, maybe next time.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Polar Bear Review

This originally appeared in Married Punks #13, published in 1998.

Polar Bear

Polar Bear is a trio with Thoman Van Wendt, Biff Sanders of Ethyl Meatplow and Eric Avery of Jane's Addiction, which should've broke up after Nothing's Shocking.  That said, I think I can openly admit to finding this band ... interesting.

With a feeling of something almost gothic, this band has put together a slightly unique sound that surprised me.  "Water," the second of five songs, really had some cool samples in it an an excellent groove.

I'm not overly impressed by this band, but I'm not dismissing it either.  That's too premature.  I want to see where it's headed before passing final judgment.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Plantabiss The Color of Foul Thoughts Review

This originally appeared in Married Punks #13, published in 1998.

Plantabiss The Color of Foul Thoughts

At times, this is pure grindcore noise, but then ... it turns and takes on an almost jazz-like feel in tempo.  Yes, Plantabiss has talent, though it won't be apparent from a cursory listen.

Songs like "Flourescent Walls" show a different direction than the usual grind.  It's not screaming vocals and equally screaming guitar.  Instead, it has a subdued techno beat with a singing style that is closer to Frodus than Disrupt.  It's a contender for favorite song status on the CD.

Plantabiss is sure to annoy people, especially those who can't stand anything that deviates from the norm.  It's far from a perfect fusion of grindcore, ambient and techno, but it's damn close.

Friday, June 29, 2012

NOFX So Long and Thanks for all the Shoes Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

NOFX So Long and Thanks for all the Shoes

This is NOFX's best release since White Trash, Two Heebs and a Bean.  You already know what NOFX sounds like (I'm assuming too much maybe), so I won't bother with heady descriptions.

The CD's title is a take on a popular sci-fi novel (if you don't know it, you need to read more), and the songs have the same humor and insights that the book has.  Songs like "It's My Job to Keep Punk Rock Elite" and "Murder the Government," "Kill Rock Stars," and "I'm Telling Tim" are as humorous as they are telling.  NOFX ain't afraid to slay a few sacred cows, and the guys have fun doing it.

Say what you will about NOFX, but the fact remains that it is one hell of a band that oozes talent like a rancid wound leaks pus.

The Howard Stern bit at the end is great, too.  I miss that aspect of the East Coast.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

New Bomb Turks At Ropes End Review

From Married Punks 13, published in 1998.

New Bomb Turks At Ropes End

For those that liked Scared Straight, New Bomb Turks' first Epitaph release, this CD will be equally welcome.

New Bomb Turks is straightforward rock 'n' roll with a punk attitude.  When Eric sings, "I'm a singer, I don't care/Just want your creamy thighs" in "Raw Law," it's more Rolling Stones than it is Sex Pistols.  To quote my dad, "Nothing wrong with that."  And there's not.

New Bomb Turks is synonymous with high energy music.  The title song proves that.  The band, from Ohio of all places, knows that its roots lie as much with old rhythm and blues as they do with bands like The Ramones (if only for the ability to get people moving).  Not many other bands could make a harp, banjo and piano sound so slick.  New Bomb Turks does, though, and that's why the band is so damn killer.  It flows in all the right directions.

The band, like any good rock band (although not necessarily any good punk band) understands that rock music, with all its guitars and primordial ooze, is all just about sex.  It should leave you as breathless as a gigantic orgasm, and just as sweaty.  Unlike many rock bands, however, New Bomb Turks has a firm ground in the punk scene, so I doubt the sexual aspect of the music is discussed, or possibly even realized by the band.  Ask yourself this, though: What's a better band to screw to -- New Bomb Turks or Crass?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Mange Junkie Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Mange Junkie

Mange is equal parts plodding metal and inmate-at-the-asylum vocals.  Pure metal, you could say.  Good deal!

Of the four songs on this demo, it's hard to pick out the best one -- each has something to offer both lyrically and musically, though "Senseless Deceit" is the weakest of the group. 

Word has it that a 7" may be in the works.  That would definitely be a plus.  Mange needs to put something else out soon!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Kosher The CD Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.

Kosher The CD

Kosher is irritating, angry and perhaps a little bitter.  Remi's gruff vocals are reminiscent of a dozen great punk singers (such as the ones who front Gimcrack and U.S. Bombs), while the music is fairly stripped down and drum heavy.

The songs target the usual suspects: Nazis, the rich, etc., but in more of a social manner as opposed to political.

Kosher probably won't become as popular as, say, Jughead's Revenge, but it is a solid band nonetheless.  It'll be interesting to see what the next release is like.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Jughead's Revenge Just Joined Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Jughead's Revenge Just Joined

Jughead's Revenge is always pleasant to listen to.  The mid-tempo punk songs deal with social issues in a way I agree with, though I hope "Corporate Bashing" is sarcastic.  I must admit, the last CD, Image is Everything, was better.

The songwriting on this one doesn't seem as strong as on previous releases.  Is Jughead's Revenge getting stale?  No, but it is in a rut.  It's still a good band that I can listen to almost any day ... even this CD, though it seems repetitive and almost forced at points.  The next CD will decide Jughead's future.  I can almost guarantee it.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Humpers Euphoria, Confusion, Anger and Remorse

This review was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks

The Humpers Euphoria, Confusion, Anger and Remorse

The Humpers have a song called "Fast, Fucked and Furious" off Live Forever or Die Trying.  That sums up this band quite well.  This new CD is pure, non-political, garage, beer-fueled music.  From the brutal "Steel-toed Sneakers" to "Fistful of Zen," this kicks much butt.

As with the New Bomb Turks, The Humpers' music is sexually active beat work ("Fucking Secretaries" is grand), without being overtly sexual (with the exception of the aforementioned song).  The organ and sax only add to that sexual feeling, too.

The Humpers haven't disappointed in some time.  It may never.  Who knows?  Who cares?  Just sit back and enjoy the fuckin' ride.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hepcat Right on Time Review

This was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Hepcat Right on Time

"Batman, this is pure Jamaican ska!"

"That's right, Robin.  Don't confuse it with Link 80 or a band like Skankin' Pickle.  This is the real deal."

"Wasn't there another CD with this title, though?  It came out a few years ago, I think."

"Yes.  It was by an obnoxious band called Falling Sickness.  That's different music, though.  You must remember that."

"I will ... if I can ever get over this mesmerizing beat.  What soul, Batman!  Listen to Greg Lee's voice!"

"Don't!  You'll be sucked in."

"The horns.  Batman, the horns!  It's too much!  I can't help but listen."

"No!  Damn!  Too late.  He's dancing away.

"Farewell, friend.  I'll have to fight crime without you.  But, Robin, if the band ever stops playing, come back ... please come back."

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Good Riddance Ballads From the Revolution Review

Originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Good Riddance Ballads From the Revolution

This CD is excellent.  At times the melodice hardcore songs seal with love, at others -- revolution.  Good combination.  From "Fertile Fields" to the Gorilla Biscuits sounding "Years From Now," this CD kicks much pimpled butt.

Also to be noted is the photo of, my friend and yours ... GG Allin with Chuck and the very fitting cover of Kiss' "I Stole Your Love," which is better than the original.  (That was never my favorite Kiss song.)

Defintely better than A Comprehensive Guide to Moderne Rebellion.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Fixtures Dangerous Music Defect Review

Originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

The Fixtures Dangerous Music Defect

This is the first two Fixtures LPs on one CD, which is a fantastic idea.  My only experience with this vastly underrated band has been its songs "Welcome to L.A." and "Dangerous Music" from the incredible compilation Welcome to Califucknia.

The Fixtures combines balls out, scorching punk music with biting lyrics dealing with social and political issues.  This band deserves to be heard.  Its early Eighties style of punk is refreshing in the era of skacore (which I'm listening to as I write this) and pop punk.  From "High Dive" to the anti-war "Support the Troops" to the scene critical "Dangerous Music," this CD simply kicks ass.  Play loud; play often.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Filibuster The Means ... Review

Originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks

Filibuster The Means ...

Smooth is the first word that comes to mind.  Smooth as a baby's ass.

Filibuster is a reggae/ska/hip hop band that goes the more traditional route while at the same time mixing ambient sounds and scratches into the stew.  The end result being sweet music that is like an extended, laid back jam.  And that's where the fault lies.

As much as I like this, at times it was so laid back that I found it to be nothing more than background music.  I find most reggae to be the same way, but Filibuster is saved by what little bite it has.

The Means ... is recommended by me, but in small doses, or for when one wants to relax in the tub.  It's not gun shooting music, but it's good for massages.

Entropy Tangled Human Complex Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Entropy Tangled Human Complex

Entropy is brutal, grinding thrash overpowered by screaming vocals tinged with madness.  When Mark Richard howls, "Born to hate my existence," it leaves no doubt as to what direction the band is heading.

Tangled Human Complex is ten songs of dementia, frustration and fury.  It has social commentary laced with just enough nihilism to give it bite.  Don't dismiss this band as mere head banging noise -- embrace it.  Take comfort in your fear and wind down with the schizophrenic "Chemically Crippled."  It'll take the edge off only to burn you instead.

The Dingees Armageddon Massive Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.

The Dingees Armageddon Massive

The Dingees go from punk to skacore to ska to reggae and back in one hell of a smooth transition.  Sure, the punk sounds a bit like Rancid-lite, but it still pleases the ears.  Quite honestly, the Dingees is one incredibly talented band.

From the punk "Ghetto Box Smash" to the flowing reggae tune called "Deadman," Armageddon Massive satisfies.  If the band keeps its current lineup and avoids losing any more members, it's sure to go on to produce some killer tunes.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 3 Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998. Skirts and Flirts Vol. 3 You know the concept. It's like what girls would videotape for their husbands and boyfriends (I think lesbians would do the video a bit differently). Women prance around, showing off their bodies and finally masturbate. This particular volume has these sexual animals: Elska (Here Comes Elska), Lidia, Heather, Billy, Tanya, and a mini-preview at the end which features a bunch of women, including a replay of Elska and Lidia. Sounds like a great line-up? Don't be so quick. Elska starts the video out, but she isn't even the highlight. Her performance is lackluster, though there is some great camera work that made me feel like I was playing Descent. She's got some piercings, too, which will appeal to some, but she just isn't in top form. Lidia, however, follows Elska and really steals the show. She has fun. Hell, she even sucks on a lollipop while masturbating by the tub. She uses her figners; a hard, clear dildo; and the shower water to get off. This girl loves what she's doing. Elska needs to take some pointers from her. Also noteworthy is Heather. She dances around in cut-offs and a white top while listening to Metallica's "The Unforgiven." It lends an air of trailer park to the entire segment. (I've lived in a trailer park, so I know. Yes, women did dress that way, though I was the only person listening to Metallica.) I think Heather wants to be an exotic dancer, and she would make a good one. Guys into fingering will like the fact that she gets three of her digits into her love canal. Billy and Tanya finish out the tape, separately of course. They're both okay, Billy being the better of the two with her short, dark hair and ample breasts. Tanya just looks a little too much like a glam rock fan for me. Solo fans will like this, but may lose interest after Heather. My advice: as soon as Billy hits the screen, turn down the sound and put Zeke on the stereo ... loud.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 2

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks. Skirts and Flirts Vol. 2 "Don't you want to play with my tits, Baby?" asks Tamara as she pushes her breasts together in the great outdoors. She later does some serious, animalistic masturbation both anally and vaginally. If you've read the previous review [Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1], you know what this series is about, and Jasmine, the pretty black girl who loves to hold herself open, keeps the tradition going. We also get to see Patricia; Samantha, who does some highly charged nude dancing; and Katja, who asks if we wanna "lick [her] little ass?" Overall, this video has some super hot scenes in it. It's almost scary the way it's even better than the first volume. Solo girl action will always rule in my book.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1

Five women strut their stuff and masturbate just for you ... and anyone else watching the video.  Why go to a strip club with speed freaks when you can watch the young, long haired Summer lick her nipples, insert two fingers into her love channel and suck on a large dildo?  All this for the price of a video rental or purchase.

We also find Chelsea (not President Clinton's daughter), who possesses bedroom eyes from Hell, doing some heavy duty rubbing and breast licking, just like Mom does for Dad!

Brenda is next up, but is outshined by Donna, who works out in a weight room.  She fingers herself sweetly.  She also uses the popular Beaver vibrator for evil ends.  Oddly, I could hear people having sex in the background.  Multiple filming must have been going on.

Speaking of multiples, Rhonda, the dark haired, pierced gal, uses both a Midnite Stick and nameless vibrator on herself, after slipping in a hot tub.  She actually uses her feet to hold the Midnite Stick in!  Now that's passion.  Her orgasm is brought on by some hearty clit slapping with her free hand.  The girl gets into it.

I'm a dirty man.  I like to watch women masturbating.  I want to stalk Tori Spelling and force her to make a decent movie while calling me Patrick Duffy.  I loved this video.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Shitfaced Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.


Wow.  I could use a lot of bad puns for this review.  Stuff like: this video is a piece of shit.  That would be too dismissive, though.  Want to read on?  I warn you, it's not pretty.

Basically, this is some extreme video set to some equally extreme grindcore music and the like.  The video clips include people fisting each other, enemas, toe fucking a guy's ass, sex, having a dinner of feces washed down with piss, interracial action, a total piss and shit orgy, spit drinking, urinating directly into gaping rectums, masturbating, and plenty of butt flexing.  That's just for starters.

The music includes the bands: Fallen Christ, Insatanity, Impetigo, Skinless, Internal Bleeding, Mortal Decay, Infliction, Meat Shits, Ever Dark, Dying Fetus, and a host of others.

My guess was that most of the video clips, which range in picture quality, were from foreign countries.  Most likely Germany.  Some audio at the end of the tape may prove me right.

If this sounds like your type of thing, by all means buy this.  At almost two hours long, you can't lose.  Personally, I'm not into shit eating (I have a job working with the public, so it's almost the same thing), but I like seeing extreme things.  Chances are, if you made it this far into the review, you do, too.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Sexfiles Vol. 4

This was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Sexfiles Vol. 4

Sylvia Saint, Raven, Angel, Hakan, Oliva, Stefanie Swift, Sash, Valentino, Rhonda and Jeremy Steele star in what is definitely Xplor's weakest series.

Basically, the Sexfiles series is just sex scenes with nothing joining them together.  I think some, if not all, are culled from other Xplor videos that are worth watching.  The best thing to say is that these videos still kick the ass of most compilation videos from other companies.  For all my complaints, there is one standout scene, though.

A blonde-haired girl, who reminds me of Sandra Bernhard for some reason, wearing a backwards baseball cap (reminding me of that bubble-brain Shane), takes on two guys in a bedroom.  She's shaved down south, and one guy has a huge, uncircumcised penis.  She eventually takes some love juice on her pierced tongue and then lets the guy suck it out of her mouth.  This scene is strangely hot, and that worries me.

Here's my idea for the series: two investigators (a guy and a girl) investigate strange sexual cases.  Maybe they can check out nymphos, women with large clits, or a guy that can suck his own penis.  The investigators have sex and stuff, as is par for the course.  Seeing as the name of the series is a take on The X-Files, why not do something really cool with it.  Hell, I could write a script for you if you want.  Xplor, are you listening?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Reel Life Video Vol. 76 Review

This review originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Reel Life Video Vol. 76: Blonde Lust & Blind Trust

The first half of this video is one of the most erotic things I've ever viewed.  It involves a 19 year-old blonde named Rachael, who looks a bit like Drew Barrymore with larger breasts.  She is in a motel room with her "Uncle Dan," who just happens to have a video camera with him.  Thus begins their verbal flirtation as she slowly strips off her short dress.  Her black panties are next, and soon she is licking her tiny nipples and masturbating while talking about being spanked.  She shows off her ass and hops into the shower to clean off.  This is worth getting the video for.  It is hot!

The last part of the video features Bruce and Tina.  Both are 19 and in college.  Tina has reddish brown hair and is blind.  That's right, blind.  She and Bruce are in an office being interviewed for Reel Life Video while Tina gives Bruce a handjob.  Bruce fondles her breast and later exposed it.  She also flashes off her Holy Temple, but that's as far as it goes.  Once the handjob climaxes the video ends.

If you are a fan of pornography, let alone amateur pornography, this is the tape to get.  The last feature doesn't hold up to the first part, but what would?  Trust me on this.  I don't steer people wrong.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Reel Life Video Vol. 7 Review

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Reel Life Video Vol 7: Josephina, Paul, Steve, Rick & Julie

For those unfamiliar with Reel Life Video's work -- it's all amateur.  Translation: real people, not silicone enhanced Barbie dolls with holes, that enjoy sex.  It's your neighbor, your boss and your mom and dad.  You gotta love that.

This video features Josephina, a naughty Mexican, and Julie, a long legged blonde.  It begins with Josephina and Julie making out on a couch.  This heats up, and after some awkward topless kissing, they get down to business.  After kissing and licking each other's nasties, Julie breaks out the strap-on.  You see where this is going.  Of course, a double-headed dildo is also used.

Rick then arrives and gets a little sucking action from Julie while Josephina rides his face.  Paul arrives next and Josephina pulls down his pants for a little Lewinski.  After some petting, it's group grope time.

During this group action, with the addition of the mysterious Steve, Rick actually sucks his own sausage, and it still doesn't get hard!  He's had this problem throughout the romp.  What gives?  I guess if you could suck you own schlong enough (and who wouldn't do it a lot if they could?), that, eventually, the warm mouth of a woman just won't do it for you.  Wrong!

Rick eventually pops his cork with the help of Julie.  Josephina, displaying a lovely zeal, tries to catch as much of his kid juice as she can.  Fade to white noise.

Only sick, twisted people would want to watch a video where their own neighbors could be in it.  I say, bring it on!  I love the amateur stuff.  Reel Life Video proves, yet again, to be one of the forerunners in this select group.  The rest of you people (meaning my readers) should get your cameras rolling and try to top this.  Just make sure to send me the results.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Profiles 9 Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Profiles 9

This video stars Liza Harper, Angel, Sash and the senior citizen known as Dave Cummings.  As, as regular readers know, it is basically a series of sex scenes.

Out of the five sex scenes here, two are totally lifeless, which really kin of sucked since I expect good stuff from Xplor.  The best scene happened to be a fairly straightforward scene between a guy and a girl in the jungle room from Skirts and Flirts 4 that has some really good screwing and eating where a girl should be eaten at.

The last scene has promise, too.  It is a festive orgy set in an aluminum foil room complete with confetti.  At the end of it, however, the tape mysteriously ends.

To be perfectly honest, what qualifies as less than perfect material from Xplor seems to be the norm at other video companies of this size, so I can't complain too much.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Private Stock #6 Review

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Private Stock #6

The tape, interestingly enough, opens with what sounds like a metal band playing live.  Crazy.  Don't worry, folks, the nude women appear soon.

As with the other Low Key videos, this features naked women posing and masturbating.  It ain't boring, either.

The first woman on screen is a red haired beauty who appears in various states of undress between segments.  She teases the viewer a bit and is first shown smoking a cigarette.  All you smoke fetish people will dig that.  Me, I could care less.

Other scenes include a very shy gal with a pierced belly button who shows off her "vampire" Halloween costume (incidentally, she doesn't masturbate, but does let the world see her insides); a blonde haired girl who is a video virgin; Bridgette, who poses nude for the first time and who always thought she wasn't pretty enough for this type of work (she also masturbates for the very first time on camera for all to see); a blonde haired girl who goes through various costume changes only to strip down and masturbate (her boyfriend interrupts with a knock at the door, sending the gal and the cameraman into a panic); and a gal who masturbates without realizing that the camera is on ("Oh my God!  You're taping me!")

What can one say?  Low Key is a company that produces tasteful erotic videos that truly appeal to voyeurs.  I get the feeling that these women don't feel exploited at all, and aren't doing this for the money (maybe they are -- I don't know if they are paid, though).  And, seeing as this is real women and not porno models with silicone injected into their breasts, I have no choice but to recommend it.  Hell, it kicks the ass out of Butt Blasted Bimbos!

Profiles 8 Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Profiles 8: Triple Ecstasy

There's a Carly Simon look alike on the box, which is kind of scary but sexy in a '70's kind of way.

This Tim Lake production stars Aurora, Kitten Lucinda and assorted others in a series of sex scenes that range from hot to slightly spicy.

The six scenes in this video are all top quality stuff, the kind of thing I expect from Xplor.  One of the best is a scene with a long brown haired beauty and a dark haired man ripping away in a hot tub.  It features some great sex and ends with a come shower on the gal's eager tongue.  I love those messy finishes.

Interestingly enough, the FOX television crew is on hand during the filming of one scene between two beauties and a guy.  As always, this proves to be one hot combination.  Question: Why is FOX there?

This video has some inspired cock sucking, deep anal, serious fucking, great girl to girl scenes, and one scene with a girl that looks just to the right of eighteen.  She does wonders with a vibrator inserted into her rectum, too.

Ahh, the wonders of porn.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Netherworld Videozine 7-9 Review

This originally appeared in issue #13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Netherworld Videozine 7-9

Like a good wine (which I don't drink), the Netherworld Videozine gets better with age.  For those unaware of the concept (shame on you), it is a show about horror movies and the people behind them, music, wrestling, and anything else that the host, Glenn Diablo Macneil, finds interesting.  It's a great concept, and there should be more shows/videos like this.

Episode seven is the return from retirement show, and it hits with a bang.  There's a video produced by Macneil for the Misfits' "I Turned Into a Martian," complete with some live footage that is as scratchy as a Misfits bootleg.  That adds to the charm.  There's also some coverage from the Extreme Championship Wrestling tour in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  Also not to be missed is the Amityville Horror house.  Too bad the crew didn't go in.  From what I understand, though, the current owners aren't tourist friendly.

There's also a trailer for The New York Ripper and a Veruca Salt video.

Episode eight is "The Grindhouse A-Go-Go Episode."  The key focus of this episode is a lenghty, entertaining and informative interview with the guys of Grindhouse Releasing (one of which is Sage Stallone, Sylvester's son).  There's plenty of clips from their movies, too, including a rare preview of the new laserdisc release of The Beyond and a little seen film called Massacre Mafia Style, which looks like a low grade Tarantino film.

One word can describe episode nine: Misfits.  There's an interview with Jerry and Michael Graves, a video for "Dig Up Her Bones" and some excellent live footage from the House of Blues.  Misfits fans will love this.  I know I did.

As always, this is a great videozine that needs to be watched.  Macneil's love of music, wrestling and horror movies is damn near contagious, and I always want to go out and rent some '80's fright flick whenever I watch a new episode.  I think video stores should carry these because they would be top renters.  Demand it today!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Kiva's Creme a la Mode Review

Originally appeared in 1998 in #13 of Married Punks.

Kiva's Creme a la Mode

This highly praised video is Kiva's "celebration of the male orgasm."  Is it ever.

There's about three dozen money shots here, with Kiva on the receiving end of ever one of them.  We get her in wigs, giving drooling blow jobs, in a bubble bath in one hell of an erotic scene, and having vaginal and anal sex.  What more could one ask for?

I like Kiva, and I like videos with fluids.  This is an impossible to fuck up concept when Kiva is on board.  If you like my taste in videos, you'll want to own this.  Screw renting.  You won't bring it back anyway.

Homegrown Video Vol. 485 Review

This originally appeared in issue number 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.

Homegrown Video Vol. 485: Spunk Rock

More non-pros having sex in ways that are illegal in several religions.  You almost have to love it.

"Roni & Pepper" is the title of the first sequence.  Black man, white woman.  Roni's mouth gets filled with love seed and she gets Pepper's finger up her bottom.  Proctology has never been finer.

"Ashley & Zoe" are two females, one of whom, Zoe, looks a little punky with tats and short dark hair.  This lesbo tryst ends with Zoe using a dildo on Ashley, who squirts like you would not believe!  Beautiful.

"Molly's Screen Test" is next.  Despite the fact that this blonde looks dead at first, she is soon masturbating like mad--doing double penetrations ("Oh my God!"  I have both those things in me!"), screaming like a banshee on crack, and getting a guy's finger up her ass.  Pass the carrots!

The next to last scene is called "Crystal, Maria & Steve."  Steve likes getting whipped by these two women.  He also likes his ass licked.  Who doesn't?  Crystal sucks him like mad while Maria licks her ass, but that isn't enough.  Not nearly enough.  These gals get downright dirty with lots of ass licking, ball whipping and anal penetration on Stevie-boy.  What a hot scene.

"Ashley, Zoe and Zach" qualify as the "Spunk Rock" part of the video.  Zach has a mohawk.  Big deal.  We get a bunch of different positions, some lesbian lovin', and Zach blowing off in Ashley's face, which Zoe licks clean.  Just like fuckin' high school.

This is why amateur rules, people.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Homegrown Video Vol. 470 Review

This appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Homegrown Video Vol. 470: Heroes, Torpedoes & Grinders

Four scenes of amateurs having sex in front of the camera.  Personally, I like the amateur stuff, so this is a treat to me.

First up is Cassie and Carly, two women who don't appear very comfortable with going down on each other.  It's especially annoying when the cameraman tells them to make more noise.  They're women, blonde and not too keen on "acting."  Next.

Nina, Fran and Josh go at it in a hot tub in the second scene.  This one makes up for the first scene.  It's got some great dirty talking, the women are easy on the eyes, and the man isn't ugly either.  There's some deep throat and a wonderful close up of Josh rimming one of the gals.  Of course, the scene ends with the mandatory come guzzling.

The [next] scene features the sex happy couple of Shawnee and Scott.  Shawnee is a brown haired nympho who likes to be whipped by Scott's belt.  She does some serious cock sucking and fingering, and involves herself in one hot sixty-nine scene.  Her screaming orgasm at the end is tops.

The last scene involves Hildy and Butch.  Hildy is a blonde dressed in Daisy Duke shorts, and Butch is the hung guy who gets it in a fake office.  It's a fairly typical scene with some good camera angles, but not much heat. 

There's more good than there is bad on this tape, and I'm sure amateur fans won't be disappointed.  Hell, who doesn't love a good screw?

Hawaiian College Girls Vol. 1

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Hawaiian College Girls Vol. 1

Basically, this tape has college girls from Hawaii showing off their bodies, masturbating, getting bit by bugs, and engaging in sex with both men and women.

It stars Keolan, who is pierced and tattooed, flaunting around outside in lingerie.  She uses a Jewel of the Nile dildo and talks about how her mom caught her dancing in her underwear, losing her virginity at sixteen, and having sex with another woman.  While her efforts seem real enough, she just isn't too comfortable in from of the camera.

After a couple of other girls who do things like play in the tub and demonstrating with their fingers how they blow their boyfriends, we are introduced to Keo and Tammie.

These two ladies have their way with a "sleeping" man and with each other.  Keo, no relation to the swinger in Eureka by the same name, though spelled differently, gets it up her bum for the first time as Tammie licks her.  The guy makes a mess of Keo's bum, but Tammie towels it off.  What a gal!

If Hawaiian girls get a rise out of you, then you'll definitely dig this video.  There's plenty of island flesh, and they aren't jaded porn stars either, which is a plus.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Double Anal Club Vol. 1 Review

.This appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Double Anal Club Vol. 1

I saw Frank Thring's name on the nice looking box and knew I was in for a treat.  Frank Thring is the thinking man's Max Hardcore.  Max goes for shock, while Frank goes for style.  Frank wins every time.  It doesn't hurt when one looks at the girls either.

Sylvia Saint (Czech Penthouse Pet of the Year), Kay (Italian Vogue model), the Ruskie Nicolette Kirsten, who drinks tea at four and is top heavy) and a few guys (Frank, Frank Thring, Mike Foster) are featured on this video.

These chaps decide to start the Double Anal Club, and that leads to fun, fun, fun in what I think is Spain.  The scenery's nice, so I guess the country doesn't really matter.

Kay is their first inductee.  She sucks the guys off, says sexy things in Italian (probably just ordered a pizza or something), has her ass licked and then fucks.  Of course, she joins the club when she gets two love missiles up her bum.  The cream is later distributed upon her face and in her mouth.

That's actually how it goes with all the gals, with the exception of Saint, 21, who has a fairly long scene and gets three rods spewing in her face.  The best scene probably belongs to Kirsten, however,  who really shines (both figuratively and physically).  Those into the double anal thing may be surprised to know that it doesn't last that long in any of the segments, but let's be real.  How long would you want two cocks up your rear?  I'm surprised the girls lasted as long as they did.

All in all, a fairly good, but kind of repetitive video that is full of sexy girls having a good time.  Thring isn't going soft, but I have seen better from him.  I just know the next volume will blow this away.  Especially if they bring back Kirsten and Kay.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Confidentially Kiva Review

Originally published in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Confidentially Kiva

Hustler gives this high marks, so you know it's got to be good.  Not only that, there's a great goth-like music playing throughout the video, which is unlike the normal Xplor fare.  So what is this?

It's Kiva having real orgasms.  No, these aren't the fake ones like your girlfriend does, these are screaming, body shaking orgasms that just rip your VCR to shreds with their power.

Kiva is featured in all the scenes, of course, mostly alone, but sometimes with a man eating her or jerking off in her face.  There are so many scenes, too, some with special effects, some without.  Some are done outdoors, some in costume (a favorite is where Kiva masturbates while looking like Poison Ivy from The Cramps).  She uses her hand, the shower head, and men's tongues (who get their heads squeezed hard when her magic moment arrives).

This tape will leave you breathless.  Kiva is the real deal.  She was a professional model, who is now deeply in the sex scene, and she has a brain.  And get this, these videos will appeal to women, too!  Finally, something that doesn't make females feel embarrassed and intellectual guys feel like lechers for liking this stuff.  Kiva, you kick ass like nobody's business!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Xploring Stefanie

Originally published in issue 13 of Married Punks in 1998.

Xploring Stefanie

I first encountered Stefanie when I called Xplor Media.  I had wanted to let the people there know that I had received their videos, and that I was quite pleased with the quality.  Stefanie was the girl who answer the phone.

My first impression was that she was nice and very perky.  She almost sounded happy with her job.  Then she invited me to a video shoot.  I knew that I had to interview her.

She offers a very interesting perspective on what goes on inside the workings of a porn production house.  I find it interesting, to say the least, especially considering my job.

Introducing Stefanie ...

Married Punks: How old are you?

Stefanie:  I'm 23, and I'm a nice girl from Michigan.

MP:  How did you get involved with Xplor Media?

S:  I moved to San Diego and was going through the newspaper looking for a job and saw one that said, "video sales rep wanted."  I'd previously managed a record/video store so I called to check it out.  Well, it turns out it was a porno sales rep wanted.  Since I just moved out here I need cash and decided to check it out.  It turned out that everyone at Xplor is young and cool, so I took the job, and it's the best one I've ever had!

MP:  What is your job title?

S:  My job title is now Public Relations gal.  I get people to write stories about us and review our product.  It's fun; I like showing people why our company is different from all the others.  We have unique product and attitudes, and I like spreading the gospel.

MP:  So I see.  Describe your typical work day.

S:  I don't have a typical day.  Every day is different.  Sometimes I spend all day on the phone or writing letters to media folk.  Or if we're doing a shoot I go and help out.  Somebody's gotta hand out lube and towels!  We also have a large mailorder business, and if they're extremely busy I work in there.  That's a lot of fun because customers can be downright nuts sometimes.  They'll tell you anything, and the crazier ones make great topics for conversation at the parties.

MP:  Explain your appearance in Here Comes Elska.

S:  Oh my, I can't explain my cameo in Here Comes Elska.  Just plain craziness.  My boss, Tim Lake, is a mad genius and gets people to do weird things sometimes.  His videos are full of strange humor and situations, and I like to be involved as much as I can.

MP:  What is one of the oddest work experiences you've had?

S:  I think my job in general is an odd work experience.  I'm used to it now, but if you did my job for a day you would probably be a little freaked.  In what other job would you say something like, "Yeah, that triple anal was good, but she should've been sucking cock and juggling kittens at the same time" in a matter-of-fact fashion?

People call me and tell me how much they "love hair bush.  No, you don't understand.  I LOVE HAIRY BUSH. SEND ME A HAIRY BUSH TAPE NOW!"

And every time I promote a girl it's not about saying how nice she is and what a great personality she has, but about how sexy she is, how great her tits are, and how she fucks like an animal.  It's kinda weird, but really funny to me.  There's a lot of humorous stuff going on in this industry.

MP:  I understand that.  What do you think is the biggest misconception that people have about the adult industry?

S:  Well, people seem to think that all we do all day is have sex and do drugs.  Sadly, this isn't true.  We have a regular office where we run our mailorder business, our retail sales, our website, we design our own boxes, edit our films, and do our own shipping.  It's totally legit; we don't have time for sex.  And as for drugs -- well, marijuana isn't really a drug, is it?

MP:  Has working at Xplor Media opened your eyes to anything?

S:  Working here and seeing and hearing about all the insane fetishes people have makes me feel so much better about myself.  I'm not a freak after all.  That's so reassuring!

MP:  Do you ever plan on starring in a video?

S:  The only company I would trust enough to make a video for is ours, but I'm not real comfortable with all my friends here seeing me naked and spread.  It kinda creeps me out, actually.  Besides, have you ever seen the guys who do porno?  Gross.  You couldn't pay me enough to have sex with those ugly bastards.  And the girls -- yuck, again.  Too many of them look great with the make-up, but without, holy troll.

MP:  Any last words?  Get 'em off your chest!

S:  If you've always wanted to be in an adult video, I suggest you submit a tape for us to use in our Homegrown Video series, which is all amateur.  Or ladies can send your photo to my boss, Tim Lake.  He's a great person and has helped quite a few girls get their start.

If you want to rent a good video, I suggest Here Comes Elska, Dreamhouse, or Sex 4 Life.  They're my favorites!  Oh, and if the guy who keeps leaving me the "I wanna suck the corn out of your poop" messages on my voice mail is reading this, I'd appreciate it if you'd please stop.  Thanks.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Maggot Sandwich Interview

Originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks

Maggot Sandwich

Maggot Sandwich may be familiar to some of you.  What do you want?  A medal?  For those that don't know, it's a punk band.  No, not like Green Day, The Offspring or Bad Religion.  It's a band that maybe hasn't gotten the attention it deserves, which is why I'm doing this.

I was introduced to the sounds of this band, which has been around for years, when its newest CD, Sleaze Factor, was sent my way to see if I wanted to carry it with Chimp West.  Of course I did!  Hell, Johnny Wadd (the band, not the movie character) is inspired by Maggot Sandwich.  Why wouldn't I carry it?

I should note that the pictures originally sent were exposed to water by some postman somewhere.  They all stuck together, but looked like band shots.  Instead, I have some other photos that were sent later (some from New Olreans during Mardi Gras, and one from a swinger mag).  They don't have much to do with the interview, but you'll look at them anyway because that's what people do when they read an interview.  For the record, this interview took place in Spain, surrounded by the bodies of dead politicans and would-be assassins, who succeeded in their attempts, but paid the ultimate price.  We were shook up, but continued with the interview anyway.  The man answering the questions is Vik Kaos (guitars and vocals).  The other members of the band are: John Stewart on bass and Graeme Straeffer pounding the drums.

Married Punks: You guys have been around for over 15 years.  You all have other jobs and are fathers.  Why continue with this?  Do you ever question if it's worth it?

Vik Kaos:  We love to play.  I never question my instincts.  We get joy and satisfaction from doing what we want and being good at it.  We're setting an example for our kids; that money is not the only motiviation in life.

MP:  In all they years that you've been a band, what is the most memorable moment?  And, more importantly, what was it like playing with the Dead Kennedys (a favorite of mine)?

VK:  Getting to meet people whose music I admire, like the Dead Kennedys, Bad Brains, Circle Jerks, and lots of others has been great, but opening for the Dead Kennedys in New Orleans was the most memorable.  It was on a week night, and we all had to work the day before and after the show.  The club was a fancy schmancey disco-like place we had never played before.  The promoter of the show gave us bad directions, so we were late as hell getting there.  As we were loading in our equipment, our pals Shell Shock were playing already.  Mike Hatch and the gang totally rocked. (RIP Mike.)  As we got ready to play, I saw Jello and East Bay sitting in the balcony to our right.  I was nervous as hell.  We totally rocked the house, got a huge pit going; it was like a dream.  When we finished our set, we were greeted on stage by Jello, who helped us move our equipment off the stage and told us we were the "ultimate garage band."  I took it as a compliment.  Unlike most of my heroes that I've met, Jello was a really nice guy.  After they played, Jello told us that we had blown them away (not true).  The promoter of the show paid us double our guarantee--that never happened before or since--and told us we had stole the show.  With our egos fully inflated, we got in our van for the four hour drive home just in time to go to work.  So much for rock stardom.

MP:  You've seen a lot of trends in punk come and go.  What's good about it now?  What's bad?

VK:  I am a musician whose music has been called "punk" since about 1977.  Sometimes the music I play is in style.  Sometimes it's not.  I don't change or pay much attention to trends.  To me, it's about music, not skating or hairstyles or fashion or politically correctness or snow boarding or any of the other goofy shit supposedly connected to the punk scene.  To quote another of my heroes I have opened up for, Government Issue, "The scene is just an empty dream, but who wants to face reality?."

MP:  Where do you see it in ten years?

VK:  In ten years there will still be people who make music without profit motive.  The scene will be the same wonderful empty dream for a new batch of kids and old farts like me.  If I'm still alive, I will still be playing.

MP:  Will it still be viable?

VK:  It won't be financially viable, but it is not now, is it?

MP:  Speak for yourself.  I'm making millions from this rag.  Okay, onto politics.  What are your political views?

VK:  My political views run similar to the Libertarian Party, but I'm not a member.  The government is immoral and corrupt and has no right to be a moral authority.  All laws forcing Christian morality bullshit on non-Christians like myself totally offends me.  All laws about sex, nudity, drugs, prostitution, any moral issue--I do not give the government moral authority over my life.

MP:  Good answer!  It's odd, people like you and I think that the government does try to push morals (and capitalism, I might add) down our throats, but others think that the government lacks any morals whatsoever, which leads to my next question.  What do you think about a "Right Wing conspiracy" to oust the President?

VK:  The conspiracy to get Clinton is so obvious it's silly.  I don't give a fuck who Clinton or Jimmy Swaggert get blow jobs from.  More moralistic bullshit from the most immoral government on Earth.  I don't really care for Clinton or anyone corrupt enough to secure any nomination from either the Republicans or Democrats.

MP:  You may think it's silly, but I'll nail that bastard yet.  Onward ... this issue features a lot of pornography, both mainstream and fringe.  What are your feelings on the subject of pornography?

VK:  I like pornography.  It's good, healthy entertainment for us consumers.  It's a great outlet for exhibitionists, and an easy way to make a living for an awful lot of people.

MP:  Do you have a favorite movie or star?

VK:  I find the porn star stuff to be boring compared to the homemade stuff.  I like to see people in it for the ograsms, not the money.  I want to see the girls really come, not fake it like the "pros."

MP:  See Colours of Kiva then.  You'll love it.  Have you ever made a porno video?  If so, can I see it?

VK:  I don't have a camcorder, or I would have made my own by now.

MP:  All right, I'm getting serious now.  Describe Sleaze Factor for those that haven't heard it.

VK:  Sleaze Factor is songs I have written over the last couple years.  My ex-wife took my son out of the country and has denied me visitation for years.  The hatred and sorrow I have been feeling is reflected in the material.  The music has a variety of sounds, all styles of rock and roll.  The lyrics are more personal than in the past, but I tried not to make it cry-baby shit.  (God, I hate cry-baby music.)  Like all Maggot Sandwich releases, it rocks hard and was mixed to be played loud.  It's pretty good for a home recording, and the art and graphics are better than any major label crap.

MP:  Your home state, Florida, has always seemed like hypocritical state to me.  On one hand, you have the forces of Dade County bureaucracy and the folks that bused Michael Diana, and on the other hand, Florida has some of the kinkiest people and a ton of S/M and B/D mistresses.  Bondage Tymes comes out of Florida.  Why do you think this is?

VK:  Florida has a well deserved image as a bunch of assholes.  The religious right controls the state along with the tourism industry and a strong elderly lobby.  The hypocrisy comes from the reaction of real people to the religious oppression.  It also explains the large Satanist movement among the youth.  The parents teach the kids all about Satan and all the fun things associated with being anti-Christian, then they can't understand when their kids worship Satan.  They have made the Satan mythology more attractive than the mythological Heaven they desire themselves.  The more oppressed a population, the kinkier they get.  It's kind of amusing to watch.

MP:  How has the Florida punk scene treated Maggot Sandwich?

VK:  We have played more concerts in Florida than any other state.  We have sold more music in Florida than any other state.  Our old releases are valuable to Florida collectors.  Yet we still don't consider ourselves insiders in the Florida scene.  We feel like outsiders.  I go to more shows in New Orleans than any Florida city.  For example, Miami is a 13 hour drive from Pensacola, about as close as Washington, DC.  New Orleans is now about 3.5 hours since the speed limit is now 70 most of the way.  So to most of the Florida scene, we are about as important as bands from Alabama and Mississippi.  And that is fine with us.

MP:  Dispel a popular rumor concerning your band.

VK:  Many of today's politically correct 12 year old 'zine reviewers consider some of our songs to be sexist.  Maybe they are.  My ex-wife used to be in the band.  I caught her cheating on me long ago, inspiring songs like "Office Slut" and "She Does Too."  In our divorce, she ruined me financially.  Since our divorce she has denied me visitation with my son, and now eight years later we have three court battles in two states over custody of my son and related bullshit.  I'm enclosing a Swinger's Galore advertisment that she ran a couple years ago looking for lesbian lovers.  She's a total human pile of shit.  She's a woman and that won't keep me from attacking her in my music.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  If that makes me sexist, than you can suck my motherfucking dick.  I have earned the right to attack her with songs like "CFH" (Cunt From Hell), and I will.

MP:  I understand.  Personally, I think there's a big difference between sexist and truth.  On to lighter subjects.  What is the most memorable prank you've ever pulled?

VK:  There is a little Florida town called Niceville (it's not too nice) in a really rural Alabama-like area of Northwest Florida.  They ahve a lovely little community college called Okaloosa-Walton Community College.  I can't overemphasize the redneck qualities of this school.  The only punks at the school got put in charge of the entertainment committee to arrange entertainment for the school's Valentine's dance, so they hired Maggot Sandwich as entertainment.  We all dressed up; I borrowed a tux.  When we started playing, most of the crowd ran for the exits.  Some of the braver rednecks tried to drown us out with disco over the school's public address system; it just made us get louder and angrier.  I blew up the borrowed amp I was using (I had blown my own amp the week before opening for the Descendents at the Cameo Theater in Miami).  So the redneck kids got one of their teachers to come up to us, pay us, and ask us to leave.  I had no amp to continue with, so we left with our money and the satisfaction that we had helped a couple kids offend their entire school.

MP:  That's fuckin' great!  What a good way to end this.  Any last words you want to get in?  Speak them now, or forever hold your piece (preferably a .45).

VK:  If you like rock and roll music, especially the kind some people call punk rock, you very well may enjoy the new Maggot Sandwich CD, Sleaze Factor.  I hope you check it out.  We put a lot of time and effort into putting it out ourselves.  We don't need any fucking record label telling us what to say or how to sound, so the CD is the real Maggot Sandwich for better or worse--you decide.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tales From The Workforce Part 7

This was originally published in Married Punks #13 in 1998.  The series would later be made into a manuscript, which I will be publishing soon.

Tales From the Workforce Part 7: Vomiting Ghoul

Halloween brought a tradition to the resort that is practiced all over the country: the haunted hayride.  Here, grandparents and grandchildren, young couples looking for an excuse to cuddle, and kids who think that they are braver than what they truly are sit inside a hay lined wagon and journey down a dark trail.  The passengers wait in eager anticipation for poorly made-up monsters to jump out and scare them.

My friends and I decided to really create something scary.  I got my battle axe, which I had scrounged from my dad's bar, and I made up a batch of fake blook like is used in the movies.  Then, I along with Jack, Fred and Tony found a spot along the trail where we could set up our little spectacle.

The rules of the resort stated that we could not jump on the haywagon, nor could we touch anyone on the haywagon.  No problem; we had a cool plan that required none of that.

By the side of the trail we built a huge bonfire.  When the wagon would reach the bend before the fire, Fred was to come running after it.  He would be screaming for help.  As soon as he would reach the back of the haywagon, he would make as if to board when I would pop out of the woods with my axe, "bite" his shoulder while letting the fake blood run out of my mouth.  After that, I would "hit" him on the head with my dull axe.  That was our plan.

Jack and Tony were to wait until the wagon reached the bonfire, and then Tony would rush the wagon from around the fire; his face painted to resemble a skull.  Jack, shirtless and sporting a similar paint job, would leap out of a tree, roll past the fire and rush the wagon also.  That was the cool, kick-ass, cannibal attack plan.  At least it was until Kyle showed up.

Kyle, drinking a wine cooler, was drunk off his ass.  Upon seeing us, he immediately took off his shirt and demanded to be part of our production.  He was our friend, so we agreed.  We painted his face and told him that he would run out with Tony.  We also went over the rules with him.

The haywagon was nearing us.  Jack went off into the woods to urinate while Kyle emptied his alcohol-filled bladder beside the fire.  Then we took our places...

"Help me!" Fred screamed, running out of the woods and after the haywagon full of screaming passengers.  "He's going to kill me!"

I burst out of the woods, covered in blood and snarling.  It was great!  Fred attempted to grab onto the wagon, and that is when the plan started to fall apart.

I pulled Fred away from the wagon and pretended to bite him as he howled in mock pain; blood running down his shoulder.  The people on the ha ywagon were flipping out!  They didn't know if all of this were real or not.

I brought the axe down ... a little too far, and knocked Fred in his head.  He yelped in real pain this time, which I thought was fake anyway, and I pushed him to the ground.  There was a muted, hollow thunking noise as his skull crashed into a large rock.  He did not yelp this time; he only groaned.

The hay wagon kept going and approached the bonfire.  Jack, totally off cue, dropped from the tree and rolled right into Kyle's urine.  "Why am I wet?" he yelled, standing up and angrily brushing himself off.

Tony, meanwhile, followed the plan and scared people.  Kyle did not.

Kyle jumped on the wagon and leaned down between an old woman and her granddaughter.  He made some ghoul-like noise; his long hair billowing iback and forth as he shook his head like some out of control monster.

The combination of Kyle's head motion and the hay wagon bouncing must have unsettled his alcohol-filled stomach because he let loose with a flow of oddly textured vomit that would have made any frat boy proud.  The grandmother and granddaughter, who received most of the vomit on their heads, thought that it was part of the ride and applauded in delight.  Perhaps they were drunk, too.

Later that night, I was chewed out by my boss, who could not tell the people what really happened, and was barred from letting non-employees participate in next year's hayride.  I quit a little while later after the British owners fucked over my dad.  To quote Danzig, "I hate the fucking British."  Not really, but I did then.

Next time, it's the return of Kyle and the beginning of my stint in the convenience store.

Journalism Law: A Rough Overview Part Three -- Invasion of Privacy

Originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Journalism Law: A Rough Overview Part Three -- Invasion of Privacy

Invasion of privacy is a tricky matter.  Not every state recognizes it, though many more are starting to, and it has many variations on the theme.  There are torts involved (such as false appropriation, i.e., using someone's image without the person's permission to sell a product [like I did last issue with Sandra Bullock]), and the laws vary state by state.  So how do you protect yourself?

There are no easy answers to that question.  Instead, circumstances must be looked at.  One of the most important: is the person a public or newsworthy figure?  If not, tread carefully.  Printing intimate details of your neighbor's sex life may get you in trouble.  If you happen to have been having sex with Tim Armstrong or Linda Lovelace, then you would probably be protected, unless you were purposely setting out to destroy someone.

There is a difference, however, between destroying someone and uncomvering a story.  If the story uncovered has some newsworthy potential, then you would most likely be protected.  Let's say you hear a rumor through the grapevine that your high school football couach is videotaping the guys in the locker room.  You do a bit of investigative reporting and find out that the coach is doing it.  Naturally, the coach isn't exactly a public figure or even newsworthy, but the story is.  You could print it, and most likely be safe.  Actually, the coach would be better off claiming libel because claiming invasion of privacy implies that the story is true.  The newsworthy aspect is tricky, though.

Suppose you uncover the fact that the coach isn't filming his boys, but smokes a little marijuana instead.  Is this newsworthy?  Most likely not.  If he's a staunch anti-drug advocate however, and requires drug testing for his athletes, then it would be newsworthy.  The invasion of privacy issue is mostly situation based.  There are some clear cut rules, though.

One of the biggest is known as false appropriation.  In other words, don't steal someone's image to sell your product.  This goes on a lot in the punk/'zine community and is rarely challenged by the people whose images are used.  It's rare that this happens, but the mayor of New York was recently involved in a case like this concerning a publication and bus ads.

When it comes to pictures, another thing not to do is to use someone's picture (or image of a certain item) to promote a story that has nothing to do with the picture.  Don't take a picture of the houswife next door and then use it in an article dealing with the fact that three out of four housewives have sex with animals.  This type of invasion of privacy sometimes happens in the broadcast news field.

The best protection against an invasion of privacy suit is to avoid an action if it just feels wrong.  Don't print non-newsworthy items about "regular" people.  Don't eavesdrop and print what you hear if it isn't important.  What it boils down to is: Don't do it to someone if you wouldn't want it done to you.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Das Klown Live at Zed Review

Originally published in 1998 in issue #13 of Married Punks.

Das Klown Live at Zed

Das Klown hasn't been in these pages since A.J.'s wedding, and it's about damn time!

This live CD, recorded at Zed Records in Long Beach, CA, shows that Das Klown is as tight live as it is in the studio.  Its brand of heavy hitting, fuck PC, true punk rock is always a breath of fresh air.  The band really struts its stuff on "Big Words," "Hopeless," "Timebomb" and the classic "Blow Yer Self."

Those thinking the production may suffer because it's live are dead wrong.  Das Klown has never sounded sharper!  Long live the Klown!