Saturday, August 29, 2009

Married Punks #4: Maybe We Should Kill All The Drug Abusers

I'm reprinting this from issue four of Married Punks, a 'zine I helped do. While there is no date on the issue, I believe it is from 1995. I wrote this under the moniker of Doug Chaos. All mistakes are left in.

Maybe We Should Kill All The Drug Abusers


Doug Chaos

I'm all for the legalization of drugs. While being straight myself, I don't care what people put into their bodies, but sometimes I get a little pissed.

I really start to get mad when other people's bad habits begin to affect my life. They get drunk then get in my face. They're tripping and asking me stupid questions. People tell me I should lighten up. "They're just fucked up. Let it go. They aren't harming anyone."

They're bothering me, and that's enough.

I sometimes stay in an apartment complex where drugs are the norm (note: I have just moved out), drunken parties keep me up at night and police helicopters and cruisers are fast becoming a normal sight. I gotta worry about being busted because I'm there. Even thought I didn't do all that shit I get grouped in nonetheless. I don't like to be in the same category as these animals. I can control myself and I don't need artificial stimulants to have a good time or to loosen up. I find that to be weak, but I would not advocate taking that away from someone. I've come up with a better solution. Remember that these are all for informational and entertainment purposes only.

Like I stated before; I think drugs should become legal. I doubt it will happen though, so we need a different solution. This solution should only be used if drugs or alcohol are directly fucking up your life. Your neighbors throw beer bottles in your yard, you're taking up the slack at your job due to some lazy pot smoker and so on.

Revenge and death is the key. Death should only be the solution in extreme cases. If a drunk driver kills your wife or husband, but lives, wait until he or she is done with their jail time and hunt them the fuck down. If some whack job on speed comes up to you and waves a knife in your face and demands money, pump three bullets into their head. The cops won't be too upset.

If the case isn't that extreme there is still some things you can do. If your neighbor is tossing those beer bottles in your yard; save them. Next time they're having a party just place them under the tires of all the cars parked out front. Better yet; get a bunch of friends together and give them back -- through their windows.

Don't bother turning in druggies to cops. It doesn't work. Instead take the license plates off their cars. Imagine the paranoia as a coke addict is pulled over by the Man.

For extreme situations you can do a drive-by on a drug house. Instead of bullets throw Moltovs.

Of course, this is only for the people that cause you trouble. If you are a drinker or a drug user that is responsible, then I have no problem with you. I stand by you in exercising your freedoms. If, however, your actions are infringing on the rights of others, you deserve what you get.

Just for the record: if you are having a problem with a dumb drug abuser you can tell them some interesting things. Mention how one guy you knew used to get a rush cheaply by drinking a quarter cup of bleach with a Jim Beam chaser. Tell them about the hallucingenic qualities of placing two drops of lye in each eye. The fun is limitless.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Excess Hollywood: Colin Farrell Revisited

Originally published 8/6/03 on Film Threat, click here to read my response to a hate letter I received about my original Colin Farrell piece.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Excess Hollywood: The Best Actress You Never Heard Of

Originally published on 8/1/03 on Film Threat. This is all about Beth Ulrich. Click here to read it.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Excess Hollywood: The Fights Of The Century

Originally published on Film Threat 7/24/03. This one deals with my idea for fights between movie franchises. Click here to read it.