Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Kosher The CD Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.

Kosher The CD

Kosher is irritating, angry and perhaps a little bitter.  Remi's gruff vocals are reminiscent of a dozen great punk singers (such as the ones who front Gimcrack and U.S. Bombs), while the music is fairly stripped down and drum heavy.

The songs target the usual suspects: Nazis, the rich, etc., but in more of a social manner as opposed to political.

Kosher probably won't become as popular as, say, Jughead's Revenge, but it is a solid band nonetheless.  It'll be interesting to see what the next release is like.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Jughead's Revenge Just Joined Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Jughead's Revenge Just Joined

Jughead's Revenge is always pleasant to listen to.  The mid-tempo punk songs deal with social issues in a way I agree with, though I hope "Corporate Bashing" is sarcastic.  I must admit, the last CD, Image is Everything, was better.

The songwriting on this one doesn't seem as strong as on previous releases.  Is Jughead's Revenge getting stale?  No, but it is in a rut.  It's still a good band that I can listen to almost any day ... even this CD, though it seems repetitive and almost forced at points.  The next CD will decide Jughead's future.  I can almost guarantee it.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Humpers Euphoria, Confusion, Anger and Remorse

This review was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks

The Humpers Euphoria, Confusion, Anger and Remorse

The Humpers have a song called "Fast, Fucked and Furious" off Live Forever or Die Trying.  That sums up this band quite well.  This new CD is pure, non-political, garage, beer-fueled music.  From the brutal "Steel-toed Sneakers" to "Fistful of Zen," this kicks much butt.

As with the New Bomb Turks, The Humpers' music is sexually active beat work ("Fucking Secretaries" is grand), without being overtly sexual (with the exception of the aforementioned song).  The organ and sax only add to that sexual feeling, too.

The Humpers haven't disappointed in some time.  It may never.  Who knows?  Who cares?  Just sit back and enjoy the fuckin' ride.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hepcat Right on Time Review

This was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Hepcat Right on Time

"Batman, this is pure Jamaican ska!"

"That's right, Robin.  Don't confuse it with Link 80 or a band like Skankin' Pickle.  This is the real deal."

"Wasn't there another CD with this title, though?  It came out a few years ago, I think."

"Yes.  It was by an obnoxious band called Falling Sickness.  That's different music, though.  You must remember that."

"I will ... if I can ever get over this mesmerizing beat.  What soul, Batman!  Listen to Greg Lee's voice!"

"Don't!  You'll be sucked in."

"The horns.  Batman, the horns!  It's too much!  I can't help but listen."

"No!  Damn!  Too late.  He's dancing away.

"Farewell, friend.  I'll have to fight crime without you.  But, Robin, if the band ever stops playing, come back ... please come back."

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Good Riddance Ballads From the Revolution Review

Originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Good Riddance Ballads From the Revolution

This CD is excellent.  At times the melodice hardcore songs seal with love, at others -- revolution.  Good combination.  From "Fertile Fields" to the Gorilla Biscuits sounding "Years From Now," this CD kicks much pimpled butt.

Also to be noted is the photo of, my friend and yours ... GG Allin with Chuck and the very fitting cover of Kiss' "I Stole Your Love," which is better than the original.  (That was never my favorite Kiss song.)

Defintely better than A Comprehensive Guide to Moderne Rebellion.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Fixtures Dangerous Music Defect Review

Originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

The Fixtures Dangerous Music Defect

This is the first two Fixtures LPs on one CD, which is a fantastic idea.  My only experience with this vastly underrated band has been its songs "Welcome to L.A." and "Dangerous Music" from the incredible compilation Welcome to Califucknia.

The Fixtures combines balls out, scorching punk music with biting lyrics dealing with social and political issues.  This band deserves to be heard.  Its early Eighties style of punk is refreshing in the era of skacore (which I'm listening to as I write this) and pop punk.  From "High Dive" to the anti-war "Support the Troops" to the scene critical "Dangerous Music," this CD simply kicks ass.  Play loud; play often.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Filibuster The Means ... Review

Originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks

Filibuster The Means ...

Smooth is the first word that comes to mind.  Smooth as a baby's ass.

Filibuster is a reggae/ska/hip hop band that goes the more traditional route while at the same time mixing ambient sounds and scratches into the stew.  The end result being sweet music that is like an extended, laid back jam.  And that's where the fault lies.

As much as I like this, at times it was so laid back that I found it to be nothing more than background music.  I find most reggae to be the same way, but Filibuster is saved by what little bite it has.

The Means ... is recommended by me, but in small doses, or for when one wants to relax in the tub.  It's not gun shooting music, but it's good for massages.

Entropy Tangled Human Complex Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Entropy Tangled Human Complex

Entropy is brutal, grinding thrash overpowered by screaming vocals tinged with madness.  When Mark Richard howls, "Born to hate my existence," it leaves no doubt as to what direction the band is heading.

Tangled Human Complex is ten songs of dementia, frustration and fury.  It has social commentary laced with just enough nihilism to give it bite.  Don't dismiss this band as mere head banging noise -- embrace it.  Take comfort in your fear and wind down with the schizophrenic "Chemically Crippled."  It'll take the edge off only to burn you instead.

The Dingees Armageddon Massive Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.

The Dingees Armageddon Massive

The Dingees go from punk to skacore to ska to reggae and back in one hell of a smooth transition.  Sure, the punk sounds a bit like Rancid-lite, but it still pleases the ears.  Quite honestly, the Dingees is one incredibly talented band.

From the punk "Ghetto Box Smash" to the flowing reggae tune called "Deadman," Armageddon Massive satisfies.  If the band keeps its current lineup and avoids losing any more members, it's sure to go on to produce some killer tunes.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 3 Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998. Skirts and Flirts Vol. 3 You know the concept. It's like what girls would videotape for their husbands and boyfriends (I think lesbians would do the video a bit differently). Women prance around, showing off their bodies and finally masturbate. This particular volume has these sexual animals: Elska (Here Comes Elska), Lidia, Heather, Billy, Tanya, and a mini-preview at the end which features a bunch of women, including a replay of Elska and Lidia. Sounds like a great line-up? Don't be so quick. Elska starts the video out, but she isn't even the highlight. Her performance is lackluster, though there is some great camera work that made me feel like I was playing Descent. She's got some piercings, too, which will appeal to some, but she just isn't in top form. Lidia, however, follows Elska and really steals the show. She has fun. Hell, she even sucks on a lollipop while masturbating by the tub. She uses her figners; a hard, clear dildo; and the shower water to get off. This girl loves what she's doing. Elska needs to take some pointers from her. Also noteworthy is Heather. She dances around in cut-offs and a white top while listening to Metallica's "The Unforgiven." It lends an air of trailer park to the entire segment. (I've lived in a trailer park, so I know. Yes, women did dress that way, though I was the only person listening to Metallica.) I think Heather wants to be an exotic dancer, and she would make a good one. Guys into fingering will like the fact that she gets three of her digits into her love canal. Billy and Tanya finish out the tape, separately of course. They're both okay, Billy being the better of the two with her short, dark hair and ample breasts. Tanya just looks a little too much like a glam rock fan for me. Solo fans will like this, but may lose interest after Heather. My advice: as soon as Billy hits the screen, turn down the sound and put Zeke on the stereo ... loud.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 2

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks. Skirts and Flirts Vol. 2 "Don't you want to play with my tits, Baby?" asks Tamara as she pushes her breasts together in the great outdoors. She later does some serious, animalistic masturbation both anally and vaginally. If you've read the previous review [Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1], you know what this series is about, and Jasmine, the pretty black girl who loves to hold herself open, keeps the tradition going. We also get to see Patricia; Samantha, who does some highly charged nude dancing; and Katja, who asks if we wanna "lick [her] little ass?" Overall, this video has some super hot scenes in it. It's almost scary the way it's even better than the first volume. Solo girl action will always rule in my book.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1

Five women strut their stuff and masturbate just for you ... and anyone else watching the video.  Why go to a strip club with speed freaks when you can watch the young, long haired Summer lick her nipples, insert two fingers into her love channel and suck on a large dildo?  All this for the price of a video rental or purchase.

We also find Chelsea (not President Clinton's daughter), who possesses bedroom eyes from Hell, doing some heavy duty rubbing and breast licking, just like Mom does for Dad!

Brenda is next up, but is outshined by Donna, who works out in a weight room.  She fingers herself sweetly.  She also uses the popular Beaver vibrator for evil ends.  Oddly, I could hear people having sex in the background.  Multiple filming must have been going on.

Speaking of multiples, Rhonda, the dark haired, pierced gal, uses both a Midnite Stick and nameless vibrator on herself, after slipping in a hot tub.  She actually uses her feet to hold the Midnite Stick in!  Now that's passion.  Her orgasm is brought on by some hearty clit slapping with her free hand.  The girl gets into it.

I'm a dirty man.  I like to watch women masturbating.  I want to stalk Tori Spelling and force her to make a decent movie while calling me Patrick Duffy.  I loved this video.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Shitfaced Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.


Wow.  I could use a lot of bad puns for this review.  Stuff like: this video is a piece of shit.  That would be too dismissive, though.  Want to read on?  I warn you, it's not pretty.

Basically, this is some extreme video set to some equally extreme grindcore music and the like.  The video clips include people fisting each other, enemas, toe fucking a guy's ass, sex, having a dinner of feces washed down with piss, interracial action, a total piss and shit orgy, spit drinking, urinating directly into gaping rectums, masturbating, and plenty of butt flexing.  That's just for starters.

The music includes the bands: Fallen Christ, Insatanity, Impetigo, Skinless, Internal Bleeding, Mortal Decay, Infliction, Meat Shits, Ever Dark, Dying Fetus, and a host of others.

My guess was that most of the video clips, which range in picture quality, were from foreign countries.  Most likely Germany.  Some audio at the end of the tape may prove me right.

If this sounds like your type of thing, by all means buy this.  At almost two hours long, you can't lose.  Personally, I'm not into shit eating (I have a job working with the public, so it's almost the same thing), but I like seeing extreme things.  Chances are, if you made it this far into the review, you do, too.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Sexfiles Vol. 4

This was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.

Sexfiles Vol. 4

Sylvia Saint, Raven, Angel, Hakan, Oliva, Stefanie Swift, Sash, Valentino, Rhonda and Jeremy Steele star in what is definitely Xplor's weakest series.

Basically, the Sexfiles series is just sex scenes with nothing joining them together.  I think some, if not all, are culled from other Xplor videos that are worth watching.  The best thing to say is that these videos still kick the ass of most compilation videos from other companies.  For all my complaints, there is one standout scene, though.

A blonde-haired girl, who reminds me of Sandra Bernhard for some reason, wearing a backwards baseball cap (reminding me of that bubble-brain Shane), takes on two guys in a bedroom.  She's shaved down south, and one guy has a huge, uncircumcised penis.  She eventually takes some love juice on her pierced tongue and then lets the guy suck it out of her mouth.  This scene is strangely hot, and that worries me.

Here's my idea for the series: two investigators (a guy and a girl) investigate strange sexual cases.  Maybe they can check out nymphos, women with large clits, or a guy that can suck his own penis.  The investigators have sex and stuff, as is par for the course.  Seeing as the name of the series is a take on The X-Files, why not do something really cool with it.  Hell, I could write a script for you if you want.  Xplor, are you listening?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Reel Life Video Vol. 76 Review

This review originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.

Reel Life Video Vol. 76: Blonde Lust & Blind Trust

The first half of this video is one of the most erotic things I've ever viewed.  It involves a 19 year-old blonde named Rachael, who looks a bit like Drew Barrymore with larger breasts.  She is in a motel room with her "Uncle Dan," who just happens to have a video camera with him.  Thus begins their verbal flirtation as she slowly strips off her short dress.  Her black panties are next, and soon she is licking her tiny nipples and masturbating while talking about being spanked.  She shows off her ass and hops into the shower to clean off.  This is worth getting the video for.  It is hot!

The last part of the video features Bruce and Tina.  Both are 19 and in college.  Tina has reddish brown hair and is blind.  That's right, blind.  She and Bruce are in an office being interviewed for Reel Life Video while Tina gives Bruce a handjob.  Bruce fondles her breast and later exposed it.  She also flashes off her Holy Temple, but that's as far as it goes.  Once the handjob climaxes the video ends.

If you are a fan of pornography, let alone amateur pornography, this is the tape to get.  The last feature doesn't hold up to the first part, but what would?  Trust me on this.  I don't steer people wrong.