This originally appeared in
Married Punks #13, published in 1998.
When I heard that NOFX was playing at Hefe's, I got a bit excited, especially since All Day and Snuff were on the bill, too. Jackie and I had seen NOFX years earlier in Philadelphia with, if I recall correctly, Sexee Dogee, 2.5 Children, Horace Pinker, and Lag Wagon. That show, while having more bands, was cheaper than the upcoming show at Hefe's, owned by Hefe from NOFX (and which since has shut down). Go figure. The Philly show was great though, so we decided to relive some memories.
I'm anti-social. I haven't seen a show since moving to Humboldt County (unless one counts Rollins' spoken word gig and Jello Biafra doing the same), and I really don't miss it. I don't like being around large (or small) groups of people, let alone drunken idiots (a mainstay at punk shows). The only thing social drunks are good for is to steal from or laugh at when they wrap their cars around some trees at 90 miles per hour without killing any innocents. (It's the same with junkies, though you can also inspire paranoia for added giggles.) I was will to forego all this however, to see three bands I really like.
I contacted Jeff at Epitaph for tickets. No problem-o, he says, and soon enough he informs me that I'll have two photo passes. Smooth.
It was quite the event when the tickets went on sale. They sold out in 15 minutes, the average length of time it takes a punk band of NOFX's stature to actually sell-out in an artistic sense. This was so huge that the local NBC affiliate, KIEM, covered it.
This wasn't even newsworthy, but KIEM made it so. For those unfamiliar with KIEM, it was 1997's highest rated, non-national California news show. The only reason it beats out the CBS and ABC affiliates' news is because it has younger, better looking anchors and a more expensive looking set. It's not due to better news coverage. The newscasters constantly mispronounce words and get facts wrong. (The best example of this was when one newscaster, while talking about an upcoming story taking place on the East Coast, described it as a story from "hundreds of thousands of miles away." Idiot.)
KIEM interviewed a few morons on the street in front of The Works, a fairly boring music store, and suddenly, I knew I was going to have a miserable time.
I e-mailed Jeff to thank him for the passes and to let him know about the show selling out so quickly. He wrote me back and informed me, with quite a few heartfelt apologies, that he didn't get to buy the tickets in time (I guess Epitaph must pay too), and now we had no passes. He was going to talk to Hefe's manager though, and see what he could pull.
What he managed was one pass. "No thanks," I said. "Jackie and I go together or not at all." So here's what I did that night.
Jackie and I had been invited to a co-worker's housewarming party, but decided not to go. I did some research for an article, listened to Dance Hall Crashers, Down By Law, and Digger, and then got into a a massive argument concerning religion and homophobia on an America Online chatroom. After that, Jackie came home and we ordered a pizza to eat while watching some Politically Incorrect episodes that I had taped. Jim Goad was on one and had very little to say that was actually interesting (unless you consider him saying "blow job"on the air, censored of course, interesting). Jackie then retired, and I went back on AOL and advocated sending letter bombs to corporate executives. I enjoyed my evening with my wife and cat, even moreso than a NOFX show.
So Jeff, don't worry. You probably saved Jackie and I from a horrible evening. If you ever make it to Eureka, maybe, if I have money, I'll give one of our hookers twenty bucks to give you a blow job. You tried, and I do appreciate it. Your apologies were sincere and unnecessary. You saved me from dealing with a bunch of idiotic people, and for that I owe you big time, or at least a toothless hummer from Old Town's finest.
