Excess Hollywood: The Parent Trap

Originally published on Film Threat 1/26/06, this was an examination of the mindset behind parents who took their kids to see Hostel. You can read the piece here.

Fuck Shit Up

This piece originally ran in issue #4 of NO LONGER A FANzine, which sure some of you fondly remember. The issue came out in 1993. I did a regular column for it called "Fuck Shit Up." Here ya go ...


Fuck Shit Up

I've finally hit it big at work! Due to employees screwing around too much, missing too much time in general, and just acting human, my job put out a rule book. Cool.

While not doing anything more than serving as letter writing paper to me, the bosses at my shit job thought we should act as if this book were like the Bible. I hate the Bible, so it should be no surprise that the rule book meant nothing to me. Oddly enough, some people took it very seriously. They even followed the rules! What kind of Americans was I working with?

Now I know you're wondering when I'll get to the ways to destroy corporate Amerika and bring your boss to his well-worn knees, but if that's all you're waiting for, turn the page or go pick up a James Bond novel, 'cause it ain't happenin' here. Not this time. I just want to write about how employers try to fuck you at every turn.

We received this book about two weeks after a major management shake-up. The only way we could receive our paychecks (or so they told us) was if we signed a paper stating that we received, read and understood the book. This was, of course, before we were even handed the damn thing! Just for the record, doing that is totally illegal. We -- yes, even I -- signed. We wanted our checks!

The book happened to be a union rule book. We weren't a union shop. Strange. The book started out by stating that management could do anything they wanted (forced overtime, relocating employees, rearranging shifts) and they could change the rules with no notice to employees! That makes the rule book totally obsolete in my eyes. Why have rules if any dickhead boss can change them if something doesn't go their way? Ahh, to have power ...

After reading that I didn't bother with the rest of the rules except for two things: Drug Policy and a Point System.

We had a drug policy! For those of you who don't partake in the delights of drugs and alcohol you have nothing to worry about, right? Wrong! I don't do either, but it affected me. How? Suspicion. If they ever even suspected anything I could either be forced to pee in a jelly jar or fired. Not only that, but those who did partake in that shit couldn't even do it in the privacy of their own homes, not even on weekends! No more Miller time! Later, a boss admitted he even enjoyed a drink after work but, hey, "a job is hard to come by." I'm so sure he stopped.

The point system involved missing work or coming in late/leaving early. You would be assigned points according to the amount of time you missed. A whole day was worth two points! After twelve points you were "terminated." Scary. The points and their punishments didn't matter because the bosses played favorites and changed the rules left and right. To get a point (one point) back you had to work thirty working days straight! No leaving early or coming in late. To get any kind of reward you had to reach -3 points. Only one woman did that but they claimed she was disqualified because she left early on a Saturday. She wasn't even scheduled to work then (lesson one: don't do bosses any favors) and she was so sick they took her to the hospital!

The next week they came with our checks, but guess what? They wouldn't give us our checks until we signed a paper stating that we read and agreed to the drug and alcohol policy. I, along with about four others, refused to sign, demanded our checks and went to the bank. The other sheep signed and complained about how much it sucked. They weren't willing to make a stand, though.

So I have one bit of advice: Don't bitch, moan or complain about something and then do nothing about it! That's so fucking worthless and if you do it, so are you.

Fuck off and get a tumor. Love, Doug

Excess Hollywood: The Busting of Blockbuster

This originally appeared on Film Threat 2/2/06. My absolute disdain for the franchise comes through in almost every word. You can read it here. As of this writing, Blockbuster hasn't gone away, but I think it's on its death bed.