Skirts and Flirts Vol. 2

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks. Skirts and Flirts Vol. 2 "Don't you want to play with my tits, Baby?" asks Tamara as she pushes her breasts together in the great outdoors. She later does some serious, animalistic masturbation both anally and vaginally. If you've read the previous review [Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1], you know what this series is about, and Jasmine, the pretty black girl who loves to hold herself open, keeps the tradition going. We also get to see Patricia; Samantha, who does some highly charged nude dancing; and Katja, who asks if we wanna "lick [her] little ass?" Overall, this video has some super hot scenes in it. It's almost scary the way it's even better than the first volume. Solo girl action will always rule in my book.

Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.


Skirts and Flirts Vol. 1

Five women strut their stuff and masturbate just for you ... and anyone else watching the video.  Why go to a strip club with speed freaks when you can watch the young, long haired Summer lick her nipples, insert two fingers into her love channel and suck on a large dildo?  All this for the price of a video rental or purchase.

We also find Chelsea (not President Clinton's daughter), who possesses bedroom eyes from Hell, doing some heavy duty rubbing and breast licking, just like Mom does for Dad!

Brenda is next up, but is outshined by Donna, who works out in a weight room.  She fingers herself sweetly.  She also uses the popular Beaver vibrator for evil ends.  Oddly, I could hear people having sex in the background.  Multiple filming must have been going on.

Speaking of multiples, Rhonda, the dark haired, pierced gal, uses both a Midnite Stick and nameless vibrator on herself, after slipping in a hot tub.  She actually uses her feet to hold the Midnite Stick in!  Now that's passion.  Her orgasm is brought on by some hearty clit slapping with her free hand.  The girl gets into it.

I'm a dirty man.  I like to watch women masturbating.  I want to stalk Tori Spelling and force her to make a decent movie while calling me Patrick Duffy.  I loved this video.

Shitfaced Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.


Shitfaced

Wow.  I could use a lot of bad puns for this review.  Stuff like: this video is a piece of shit.  That would be too dismissive, though.  Want to read on?  I warn you, it's not pretty.

Basically, this is some extreme video set to some equally extreme grindcore music and the like.  The video clips include people fisting each other, enemas, toe fucking a guy's ass, sex, having a dinner of feces washed down with piss, interracial action, a total piss and shit orgy, spit drinking, urinating directly into gaping rectums, masturbating, and plenty of butt flexing.  That's just for starters.

The music includes the bands: Fallen Christ, Insatanity, Impetigo, Skinless, Internal Bleeding, Mortal Decay, Infliction, Meat Shits, Ever Dark, Dying Fetus, and a host of others.

My guess was that most of the video clips, which range in picture quality, were from foreign countries.  Most likely Germany.  Some audio at the end of the tape may prove me right.

If this sounds like your type of thing, by all means buy this.  At almost two hours long, you can't lose.  Personally, I'm not into shit eating (I have a job working with the public, so it's almost the same thing), but I like seeing extreme things.  Chances are, if you made it this far into the review, you do, too.

Sexfiles Vol. 4

This was originally published in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.


Sexfiles Vol. 4

Sylvia Saint, Raven, Angel, Hakan, Oliva, Stefanie Swift, Sash, Valentino, Rhonda and Jeremy Steele star in what is definitely Xplor's weakest series.

Basically, the Sexfiles series is just sex scenes with nothing joining them together.  I think some, if not all, are culled from other Xplor videos that are worth watching.  The best thing to say is that these videos still kick the ass of most compilation videos from other companies.  For all my complaints, there is one standout scene, though.

A blonde-haired girl, who reminds me of Sandra Bernhard for some reason, wearing a backwards baseball cap (reminding me of that bubble-brain Shane), takes on two guys in a bedroom.  She's shaved down south, and one guy has a huge, uncircumcised penis.  She eventually takes some love juice on her pierced tongue and then lets the guy suck it out of her mouth.  This scene is strangely hot, and that worries me.

Here's my idea for the series: two investigators (a guy and a girl) investigate strange sexual cases.  Maybe they can check out nymphos, women with large clits, or a guy that can suck his own penis.  The investigators have sex and stuff, as is par for the course.  Seeing as the name of the series is a take on The X-Files, why not do something really cool with it.  Hell, I could write a script for you if you want.  Xplor, are you listening?

Reel Life Video Vol. 76 Review

This review originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.


Reel Life Video Vol. 76: Blonde Lust & Blind Trust

The first half of this video is one of the most erotic things I've ever viewed.  It involves a 19 year-old blonde named Rachael, who looks a bit like Drew Barrymore with larger breasts.  She is in a motel room with her "Uncle Dan," who just happens to have a video camera with him.  Thus begins their verbal flirtation as she slowly strips off her short dress.  Her black panties are next, and soon she is licking her tiny nipples and masturbating while talking about being spanked.  She shows off her ass and hops into the shower to clean off.  This is worth getting the video for.  It is hot!

The last part of the video features Bruce and Tina.  Both are 19 and in college.  Tina has reddish brown hair and is blind.  That's right, blind.  She and Bruce are in an office being interviewed for Reel Life Video while Tina gives Bruce a handjob.  Bruce fondles her breast and later exposed it.  She also flashes off her Holy Temple, but that's as far as it goes.  Once the handjob climaxes the video ends.

If you are a fan of pornography, let alone amateur pornography, this is the tape to get.  The last feature doesn't hold up to the first part, but what would?  Trust me on this.  I don't steer people wrong.

Reel Life Video Vol. 7 Review

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.


Reel Life Video Vol 7: Josephina, Paul, Steve, Rick & Julie

For those unfamiliar with Reel Life Video's work -- it's all amateur.  Translation: real people, not silicone enhanced Barbie dolls with holes, that enjoy sex.  It's your neighbor, your boss and your mom and dad.  You gotta love that.

This video features Josephina, a naughty Mexican, and Julie, a long legged blonde.  It begins with Josephina and Julie making out on a couch.  This heats up, and after some awkward topless kissing, they get down to business.  After kissing and licking each other's nasties, Julie breaks out the strap-on.  You see where this is going.  Of course, a double-headed dildo is also used.

Rick then arrives and gets a little sucking action from Julie while Josephina rides his face.  Paul arrives next and Josephina pulls down his pants for a little Lewinski.  After some petting, it's group grope time.

During this group action, with the addition of the mysterious Steve, Rick actually sucks his own sausage, and it still doesn't get hard!  He's had this problem throughout the romp.  What gives?  I guess if you could suck you own schlong enough (and who wouldn't do it a lot if they could?), that, eventually, the warm mouth of a woman just won't do it for you.  Wrong!

Rick eventually pops his cork with the help of Julie.  Josephina, displaying a lovely zeal, tries to catch as much of his kid juice as she can.  Fade to white noise.

Only sick, twisted people would want to watch a video where their own neighbors could be in it.  I say, bring it on!  I love the amateur stuff.  Reel Life Video proves, yet again, to be one of the forerunners in this select group.  The rest of you people (meaning my readers) should get your cameras rolling and try to top this.  Just make sure to send me the results.

Profiles 9 Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.


Profiles 9

This video stars Liza Harper, Angel, Sash and the senior citizen known as Dave Cummings.  As, as regular readers know, it is basically a series of sex scenes.

Out of the five sex scenes here, two are totally lifeless, which really kin of sucked since I expect good stuff from Xplor.  The best scene happened to be a fairly straightforward scene between a guy and a girl in the jungle room from Skirts and Flirts 4 that has some really good screwing and eating where a girl should be eaten at.

The last scene has promise, too.  It is a festive orgy set in an aluminum foil room complete with confetti.  At the end of it, however, the tape mysteriously ends.

To be perfectly honest, what qualifies as less than perfect material from Xplor seems to be the norm at other video companies of this size, so I can't complain too much.

Private Stock #6 Review

This originally appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.


Private Stock #6

The tape, interestingly enough, opens with what sounds like a metal band playing live.  Crazy.  Don't worry, folks, the nude women appear soon.

As with the other Low Key videos, this features naked women posing and masturbating.  It ain't boring, either.

The first woman on screen is a red haired beauty who appears in various states of undress between segments.  She teases the viewer a bit and is first shown smoking a cigarette.  All you smoke fetish people will dig that.  Me, I could care less.

Other scenes include a very shy gal with a pierced belly button who shows off her "vampire" Halloween costume (incidentally, she doesn't masturbate, but does let the world see her insides); a blonde haired girl who is a video virgin; Bridgette, who poses nude for the first time and who always thought she wasn't pretty enough for this type of work (she also masturbates for the very first time on camera for all to see); a blonde haired girl who goes through various costume changes only to strip down and masturbate (her boyfriend interrupts with a knock at the door, sending the gal and the cameraman into a panic); and a gal who masturbates without realizing that the camera is on ("Oh my God!  You're taping me!")

What can one say?  Low Key is a company that produces tasteful erotic videos that truly appeal to voyeurs.  I get the feeling that these women don't feel exploited at all, and aren't doing this for the money (maybe they are -- I don't know if they are paid, though).  And, seeing as this is real women and not porno models with silicone injected into their breasts, I have no choice but to recommend it.  Hell, it kicks the ass out of Butt Blasted Bimbos!

Profiles 8 Review

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks, published in 1998.


Profiles 8: Triple Ecstasy

There's a Carly Simon look alike on the box, which is kind of scary but sexy in a '70's kind of way.

This Tim Lake production stars Aurora, Kitten Lucinda and assorted others in a series of sex scenes that range from hot to slightly spicy.

The six scenes in this video are all top quality stuff, the kind of thing I expect from Xplor.  One of the best is a scene with a long brown haired beauty and a dark haired man ripping away in a hot tub.  It features some great sex and ends with a come shower on the gal's eager tongue.  I love those messy finishes.

Interestingly enough, the FOX television crew is on hand during the filming of one scene between two beauties and a guy.  As always, this proves to be one hot combination.  Question: Why is FOX there?

This video has some inspired cock sucking, deep anal, serious fucking, great girl to girl scenes, and one scene with a girl that looks just to the right of eighteen.  She does wonders with a vibrator inserted into her rectum, too.

Ahh, the wonders of porn.

Netherworld Videozine 7-9 Review

This originally appeared in issue #13 of Married Punks published in 1998.


Netherworld Videozine 7-9

Like a good wine (which I don't drink), the Netherworld Videozine gets better with age.  For those unaware of the concept (shame on you), it is a show about horror movies and the people behind them, music, wrestling, and anything else that the host, Glenn Diablo Macneil, finds interesting.  It's a great concept, and there should be more shows/videos like this.

Episode seven is the return from retirement show, and it hits with a bang.  There's a video produced by Macneil for the Misfits' "I Turned Into a Martian," complete with some live footage that is as scratchy as a Misfits bootleg.  That adds to the charm.  There's also some coverage from the Extreme Championship Wrestling tour in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  Also not to be missed is the Amityville Horror house.  Too bad the crew didn't go in.  From what I understand, though, the current owners aren't tourist friendly.

There's also a trailer for The New York Ripper and a Veruca Salt video.

Episode eight is "The Grindhouse A-Go-Go Episode."  The key focus of this episode is a lenghty, entertaining and informative interview with the guys of Grindhouse Releasing (one of which is Sage Stallone, Sylvester's son).  There's plenty of clips from their movies, too, including a rare preview of the new laserdisc release of The Beyond and a little seen film called Massacre Mafia Style, which looks like a low grade Tarantino film.

One word can describe episode nine: Misfits.  There's an interview with Jerry and Michael Graves, a video for "Dig Up Her Bones" and some excellent live footage from the House of Blues.  Misfits fans will love this.  I know I did.

As always, this is a great videozine that needs to be watched.  Macneil's love of music, wrestling and horror movies is damn near contagious, and I always want to go out and rent some '80's fright flick whenever I watch a new episode.  I think video stores should carry these because they would be top renters.  Demand it today!

Kiva's Creme a la Mode Review

Originally appeared in 1998 in #13 of Married Punks.


Kiva's Creme a la Mode

This highly praised video is Kiva's "celebration of the male orgasm."  Is it ever.

There's about three dozen money shots here, with Kiva on the receiving end of ever one of them.  We get her in wigs, giving drooling blow jobs, in a bubble bath in one hell of an erotic scene, and having vaginal and anal sex.  What more could one ask for?

I like Kiva, and I like videos with fluids.  This is an impossible to fuck up concept when Kiva is on board.  If you like my taste in videos, you'll want to own this.  Screw renting.  You won't bring it back anyway.

Homegrown Video Vol. 485 Review

This originally appeared in issue number 13 of Married Punks, which was published in 1998.


Homegrown Video Vol. 485: Spunk Rock

More non-pros having sex in ways that are illegal in several religions.  You almost have to love it.

"Roni & Pepper" is the title of the first sequence.  Black man, white woman.  Roni's mouth gets filled with love seed and she gets Pepper's finger up her bottom.  Proctology has never been finer.

"Ashley & Zoe" are two females, one of whom, Zoe, looks a little punky with tats and short dark hair.  This lesbo tryst ends with Zoe using a dildo on Ashley, who squirts like you would not believe!  Beautiful.

"Molly's Screen Test" is next.  Despite the fact that this blonde looks dead at first, she is soon masturbating like mad--doing double penetrations ("Oh my God!"  I have both those things in me!"), screaming like a banshee on crack, and getting a guy's finger up her ass.  Pass the carrots!

The next to last scene is called "Crystal, Maria & Steve."  Steve likes getting whipped by these two women.  He also likes his ass licked.  Who doesn't?  Crystal sucks him like mad while Maria licks her ass, but that isn't enough.  Not nearly enough.  These gals get downright dirty with lots of ass licking, ball whipping and anal penetration on Stevie-boy.  What a hot scene.

"Ashley, Zoe and Zach" qualify as the "Spunk Rock" part of the video.  Zach has a mohawk.  Big deal.  We get a bunch of different positions, some lesbian lovin', and Zach blowing off in Ashley's face, which Zoe licks clean.  Just like fuckin' high school.

This is why amateur rules, people.

Homegrown Video Vol. 470 Review

This appeared in 1998 in issue 13 of Married Punks.


Homegrown Video Vol. 470: Heroes, Torpedoes & Grinders

Four scenes of amateurs having sex in front of the camera.  Personally, I like the amateur stuff, so this is a treat to me.

First up is Cassie and Carly, two women who don't appear very comfortable with going down on each other.  It's especially annoying when the cameraman tells them to make more noise.  They're women, blonde and not too keen on "acting."  Next.

Nina, Fran and Josh go at it in a hot tub in the second scene.  This one makes up for the first scene.  It's got some great dirty talking, the women are easy on the eyes, and the man isn't ugly either.  There's some deep throat and a wonderful close up of Josh rimming one of the gals.  Of course, the scene ends with the mandatory come guzzling.

The [next] scene features the sex happy couple of Shawnee and Scott.  Shawnee is a brown haired nympho who likes to be whipped by Scott's belt.  She does some serious cock sucking and fingering, and involves herself in one hot sixty-nine scene.  Her screaming orgasm at the end is tops.

The last scene involves Hildy and Butch.  Hildy is a blonde dressed in Daisy Duke shorts, and Butch is the hung guy who gets it in a fake office.  It's a fairly typical scene with some good camera angles, but not much heat. 

There's more good than there is bad on this tape, and I'm sure amateur fans won't be disappointed.  Hell, who doesn't love a good screw?

Hawaiian College Girls Vol. 1

This originally appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.


Hawaiian College Girls Vol. 1

Basically, this tape has college girls from Hawaii showing off their bodies, masturbating, getting bit by bugs, and engaging in sex with both men and women.

It stars Keolan, who is pierced and tattooed, flaunting around outside in lingerie.  She uses a Jewel of the Nile dildo and talks about how her mom caught her dancing in her underwear, losing her virginity at sixteen, and having sex with another woman.  While her efforts seem real enough, she just isn't too comfortable in from of the camera.

After a couple of other girls who do things like play in the tub and demonstrating with their fingers how they blow their boyfriends, we are introduced to Keo and Tammie.

These two ladies have their way with a "sleeping" man and with each other.  Keo, no relation to the swinger in Eureka by the same name, though spelled differently, gets it up her bum for the first time as Tammie licks her.  The guy makes a mess of Keo's bum, but Tammie towels it off.  What a gal!

If Hawaiian girls get a rise out of you, then you'll definitely dig this video.  There's plenty of island flesh, and they aren't jaded porn stars either, which is a plus.

Double Anal Club Vol. 1 Review

.This appeared in issue 13 of Married Punks published in 1998.


Double Anal Club Vol. 1

I saw Frank Thring's name on the nice looking box and knew I was in for a treat.  Frank Thring is the thinking man's Max Hardcore.  Max goes for shock, while Frank goes for style.  Frank wins every time.  It doesn't hurt when one looks at the girls either.

Sylvia Saint (Czech Penthouse Pet of the Year), Kay (Italian Vogue model), the Ruskie Nicolette Kirsten, who drinks tea at four and is top heavy) and a few guys (Frank, Frank Thring, Mike Foster) are featured on this video.

These chaps decide to start the Double Anal Club, and that leads to fun, fun, fun in what I think is Spain.  The scenery's nice, so I guess the country doesn't really matter.

Kay is their first inductee.  She sucks the guys off, says sexy things in Italian (probably just ordered a pizza or something), has her ass licked and then fucks.  Of course, she joins the club when she gets two love missiles up her bum.  The cream is later distributed upon her face and in her mouth.

That's actually how it goes with all the gals, with the exception of Saint, 21, who has a fairly long scene and gets three rods spewing in her face.  The best scene probably belongs to Kirsten, however,  who really shines (both figuratively and physically).  Those into the double anal thing may be surprised to know that it doesn't last that long in any of the segments, but let's be real.  How long would you want two cocks up your rear?  I'm surprised the girls lasted as long as they did.

All in all, a fairly good, but kind of repetitive video that is full of sexy girls having a good time.  Thring isn't going soft, but I have seen better from him.  I just know the next volume will blow this away.  Especially if they bring back Kirsten and Kay.