Murder For Hire

In 1998 my 'zine, Married Punks, was hitting its stride.  The following piece was a parody ad I ran in lucky issue #13.  It came after our local law enforcement was all over the national news for swabbing pepper spray in the eyes of protesters.  The phone number for the police appeared in the original ad.  I was never contacted by the department, so I don't know if it received calls.  (It was also presented in such a way that someone could remove it from the 'zine and photocopy it as a flier for around.  I did actually see a copy of it hanging by Ramone's in Old Town one day.)


MURDER FOR HIRE

We specialize in murder, torture, maiming, clandestine terrorism and other acts of "peace keeping."  A virtual one-stop shop of brutalization and repression.

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week we are there; serving the public the best way we know how -- through force.  Why wait until the Christmas rush?  Dispense with some real "justice" today.

Cheap torment has never been easier!

Special low rates for hippies, homeless, minorities and other low life scum.

Ask about our special dental plans and "eye exams."

Call us today at: [Eureka Police Department phone number]

Torture is job one!

P.I.G. -- PRIDE, INTEGRITY, GUTS

THE NEW TERRORISTS ON THE BLOCK

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

ANSWERABLE TO NO ONE

BRUTALITY AS A WAY OF LIFE

EUREKA POLICE DEPARTMENT & HUMBOLDT COUNTY SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT

Excess Hollywood: The South's Gonna Rise Again

3/17/05.  That's when Film Threat posted this "Excess Hollywood" column (read it here) which was an interview with Frank Mauceri, whose Smog Veil Records put out something of interest to all Herschell Gordon Lewis fans.  I wanted to let the world know, and did so through my column.

Excess Hollywood: We Don't Need Another Hero

Some of my friends gave me grief over this piece, which appeared on Film Threat 3/24/05, though I don't think the site got much mail on it.  (You can read the offending piece on Stallone here.)  At the time I wrote it, the new Rambo movie was still in the discussion phases, though the idea of there being yet another movie in the franchise bugged me for the reasons I wrote.  Why were my friends upset?  They thought I was taking unnecessary swipes at a beloved movie icon.  (For the record, that's what the entire "Excess Hollywood" feature was about.)  I was taking the "fun" out of a character that I thought really needed to be examined.

Agree?  Disagree?  Read the piece and decide for yourself.

Excess Hollywood: Regrets ... I've Had a Few

Originally published 3/31/05 on Film Threat, this column (you can read it here) dealt with some of the movies I had paid to see which disappointed me.  Since then the list has grown. 

Excess Hollywood: Eating an Angel's Heart

4/7/05.  That's when Film Threat published my "Excess Hollywood" love letter to Mickey Rourke.  You can read it here.  Times have changed, but I haven't changed how I feel about him.  Ironically, my lines about Downey and Rourke have played out almost opposite what I wrote at the time.  Almost ...

Excess Hollywood: The Office Wars

This article, published 4/14/05 on Film Threat, was all about my anger over an American version of The Office.  Do I still feel the same way?  No.  The American version of the show has come into its own, but it is still inferior to the original.

Factory Flicks: The Complete First Season

This originally appeared on Film Threat 11/30/10.  You can read my review of the DVD here.  It's not every day I review films for kids, so this was out of my ordinary realm of reviews.

Stereomud and Sepultura Reviews

Reviews for Stereomud's Perfect Self and Sepultura's Nation appeared on page 19 of issue 45 of Tattoo Savage, cover date March 2002.  I would reprint them here, but I sold all rights to them, and I don't feel like being sued.

"Stereomud needs to alienate the mainstream listeners it claims to hold in contempt."

"Nation exceeds all expectations and leaves listeners salivating for more."

Excess Hollywood: Jack Daniels, Art Auctions, Forty Grand Therapy and the Death of Art

4/21/05 saw this "Excess Hollywood" published on Film Threat.  You can read this piece that is critical of Metallica here.  I remember people not being very happy about it when it first appeared.  I still stand by the piece.

Excess Hollywood: Rehash City

On 4/28/05 Film Threat published this "Excess Hollywood" column I wrote.  You can read it here.  It deals with the problems of movies not based on original source material.

Excess Hollywood: Do Studio Executives Dream of Electronic Sheep?

5/12/2005.  This was a short interview I did with author Alan Dean Foster on Film Threat.  You can read it here.  I originally contacted him about his involvement in the Ultraman movie, and from there it became something more.

Excess Hollywood: Dario

Originally published 11/10/05 on Film Threat, this "Excess Hollywood" column is on Dario Argento.  You can read the original piece here.  My regular readers know how strongly I feel about Argento.  I seem to recall having a tough time getting Film Threat to take this one, and I think it was because the publisher at the time (who shall forever remain nameless) thought Argento's name wouldn't attract readers.  That's an opinion I still consider misguided at best.

Excess Hollywood: Kidnapping Crowe

This appeared on Film Threat 5/5/2005.  This "Excess Hollywood" column was all about Al-Qaida targeting Russell Crowe for a kidnapping.

Excess Hollywood: Opens This Friday at a Church Near You

This piece appeared on Film Threat 11/18/05.  The "Excess Hollywood" column deals with Left Behind: World at War and how it opened in churches instead of the theatre.

Excess Hollywood: The Cancers That Are Trekkies

Originally published 11/24/05, this "Excess Hollywood" column on Film Threat came across meaner than I meant it to, in all honesty.  I'm actually surprised the editor at the time let it run.  You can read it here.